Father's Day

     It's the only picture I have of him. Dusty, shoved to the back of the shelf, I look at it from time to time, trying to see a trace of myself. Is it the shape of the eyes, the bright smile, or the too broad forehead? I gaze intently and try to grab hold of something that says "This is where I came from," this is how I "look like my Dad."
     But trying to look for similarities in his face feels as flat as the one dimensional image before me. The picture of this man has not been cherished. No one has rubbed off the gold gilt from the frame because of excessive handling.  No greasy fingerprints have been left on the photo from an adoring princess, because this man stepped out of my life, to move on to a different one.
     Picture after picture rolled by me of loving fathers on my Facebook feed last week, and I traced my friends features in the men that they call "Dad," rejoicing with them over a dad that loved them, a dad that decided to stay.
     The hardest memory of my dad was years later, when I met him for an attempt at some sort of reconciliation. He told the story of 3 year-old-me waiting patiently outside for him to come home. "That's MY daddy!" I used to tell the kids, when he came around the corner. Why did he mention that? A moment of regret? It just made me feel worse.
     Fortunately, In these last few years, I have come to a deeper understanding of being God's beloved child, and the memory of my biological dad fades more and more into the background. As I walk deeper into the love God has for me, the disappointments and failures of the past have just made more places in me that God can fill with himself. He is a perfect father, and I will always be his completely loved, and cherished child.

   
   

     I was watching a Gregory Peck movie about Horatio Hornblower. A fictional character created by the author C.S. Forester, this Royal Navy officer gets in a number of tough situations as he wages war against the French during the time of Napoleon.
     In the heat of battle, huge sailing ships blast cannons at each other at close range. The cannonballs rip into ship riggings, main masts, and wooden decks, shattering them to pieces. In one scene, Horatio gets knocked down and covered by wreckage. As the crew pulls it off of him, he gets back up and continues to give orders, straightening his uniform and adjusting his odd, black, two cornered hat.
     These days I feel a little like Horatio. Even though I signed up for this fight, things can get pretty overwhelming, and often I find myself underneath a pile of wreckage. The enemy attacks from my blind side and before I know it, those things I counted on are falling down all around me.
      Deuteronomy 31:8 says "the Lord is indeed going before you-he will be with you; he will not fail you or abandon you. Do not be afraid or discouraged!" It's so good to know I am not alone in this fight, and I can get back up because God is beside me and will not leave me to wage these battles alone. Knowing that makes all the difference!!

     When I'm in the midst of a crisis, I put my game face on and just try and get through it. If it continues, I start to ask God why, and if the answers don't come on my schedule, I get depressed and withdraw. It's a familiar pattern.
     The last time I went through this, God stopped me and said "Try and imagine being on the other side of this trial. Think about what it will be like when it's over." Now this seems counter intuitive, but I did it anyway. I saw myself in an open place, free from the things I had been carrying. I felt God's favor and love again, the joy that comes from not giving up and the hope of new possibilities all around me.
     If you're struggling today, take a quiet moment and try and imagine what it will be like when God brings you through it, to the other side of the crisis. See the path before opening up before you as you experience peace and health and a place to rest.